How to Deal With Disrespectful Step Children

No matter how bad his parents' marriage was, a child is bound to be resentful of the breakup of his family and the introduction of a new stepparent. When a child doesn't follow your directions or talks back to you, he may just be testing to see how far he can push you. He may also be trying to show you that you're not in charge of him. You should not overstep your bounds as a stepparent, so the child's parent should be the only one to discipline him until you're all comfortable as a family.

• 1

  Stay calm. No matter how frustrating your stepchild's disrespect is, keep in mind that it's probably not personal. It's normal for children to test how far they can push stepparents. Rather than yelling at the child, take a deep breath or count to 10. This will prevent the situation from escalating.

• 2

  Speak to your spouse in private. Let her know what your concerns are about the child's attitude and behavior. Be careful not to accuse her or the child of behaving inappropriately toward you. Ask for her help in speaking to the child.

• 3

  Talk to the child together with your spouse. The child's parent should be the one to lay out what the rules are and what you both expect from the child. She should also explain clearly what the consequences will be if the child continues to be disrespectful. You should both reassure the child that you know the adjustment is difficult for him and that you are both always available to talk to him about his feelings.

• 4

  Do an activity with the child, just the two of you. Pick something that he enjoys, like going to a batting cage, sporting event or playground. Ask questions about his school and friends, keeping the tone casual. The objective is to let the child know you care about him and that you're interested in his life, while the two of you can bond over an activity you both enjoy. When he's feeling comfortable, ask how he's feeling about the rules you discussed as a family. If he's still feeling frustrated or angry about the rules or your role in his life, let him know that you understand and that you're sorry he's unhappy, but that he still needs to respect you.

• 5

  Enforce the rules. If the child continues to speak disrespectfully to you or breaks the rules that you and his parent laid out, stick to the consequences that you explained to him. This will teach him that you are serious. If you're still a new family, his parent should be the one to enforce the consequences.

• 6

  Do something fun together. After he has been punished, let the child again know that you still care about him and love him by taking him to do something together as a family. Don't follow the punishment immediately with something fun, because you don't want to reward his behavior. Instead, wait until the day after his punishment.